Give Me My Christmas Card Back

I have a spot on my refrigerator for your Christmas card….but it never came.

I held the spot reserved for your season’s greetings from your family…but it never came.

I held out for a week after Christmas thinking your well wishes just took the long way to my mailbox this season…but it never came.

I don’t know what happened. We’ve been exchanging Christmas cards for the better part of ten years. I have watched your family grow older and larger through your spoiled children’s holiday smiles. You have received news of our most recent additions through our pathetic December photos. I thought our exchange was a lifetime contract. I thought our Christmas correspondence would last forever.

But your card never came. So give me my Christmas card back!

And don’t try and tell me that you didn’t send out Christmas cards this year, because we went to the Parker’s two weeks ago for a holiday drink and there on their pantry door was the photo of your children in matching outfits. Then last night, again we saw your Christmas card. We were at a New Year’s Eve gathering at the Daulton’s house and there it was on the back of their front door, a picture of your children in front of that ugly fake tree of yours. 

Really, the Daulton’s? How long have you known them? Three weeks? Yet, we went to grade school together. We went to high school. We were in the same college fraternity and interned at the same firm. We live in the same neighborhood, on the same street.  You don’t even need postage. Just drop it off in our mailbox…but it never came.

It’s a relief really, to not receive a card from you. It’s just one less card that I need to feel guilty about throwing away. For years I saved all of the Christmas cards because I just couldn’t bring myself to trash all those little familiar family and friend’s photos. Mostly it makes me think of my own children’s Christmas card laying among the coffee grinds and cigarette butts of someone else’s  trashcan.

I suppose I understand. Christmas cards are getting expensive these days.  And sometimes you have to ask yourself, “Is that person really worth 39 of my cents?” And I guess that’s when my family missed your cut. Thirty-nine cents, huh? I guess you’re not doing as well as you claim to be.

We also eliminated some families from our Christmas card list in favor for some new families we met this year. The wife’s cousin, my former boss and those really shitty neighbors were all cut from our list. But I would never, ever cut you from my list. Except maybe now.

We have a method to our Christmas card madness. We have our standard list of addresses to send a card to. Then we have a secondary list and hold back some Christmas cards just in case. If we receive a card from someone on the secondary list or from a surprise, unexpected family then we immediately reply with our Christmas card. We retain these lists for future holiday’s to come.

So, I will give you one more day to send us a card. I’ll give you one more chance. It is not too late to get back on our Christmas card list. It is not too late to save our lifelong friendship. Until then, I will be waiting on my doorstep for your Merry Wishes…