First of all, drop the I wasn’t born yesterday attitude. You and I both know that you’re not fooling anyone. Maybe it was yesterday. Maybe it was last week. Either way, you’re still new to this world and have a lot to learn from someone like me. Christ, I have lunchmeat older than you.
Hey, don’t roll you eyes to the back of your head at me. The sooner you quit the crying and start listening the better off you’ll be. Right now you know nothing. Literally, you don’t know a thing.
Don’t believe me? Do yourself a favor and pick up Steven Pinker’s psychology classic The Blank Slate. You’ll find that Pinker writes how the mind is born to this world like a fresh piece of white paper void of all characters. Wait…you can’t read yet, can you? Damn, advising a newborn might be harder than I thought.
Anyway, Pinker describes epistemology…What? You say you already know what epistemology means…..No, you’re thinking of episiotomy. That’s a lot different. Wow!, that’s a lot different. LOL! You have so much to learn.
I’m talking about epistemology, the notion of how we come to the truth and knowledge as human beings. As a newborn, like yourself, you come into this world knowing nothing. Your mind is a sponge and will start absorbing any and all knowledge. So when I say you know nothing, I mean it. The sooner you realize that you know nothing the sooner you will allow yourself to know everything. Now I’m not going to tell you everything about this world, just a few bullet points to get you from there to here.
Here goes.
To start, you’re going to want to get yourself a nice hat. In this world appearance is everything and no one is going to associate themselves with anyone that still has a pulsating soft spot on their forehead. I never trusted anyone with a soft cranium, least not those who advertise it. Yup, get a nice hat. You can go a long way in this world with a nice hat… and a smile.
Now let’s talk about choices. The world is filled with countless decisions. The rest of your life will be spent making choices, but they all don’t have to be made today. Rolling Stones vs. The Beatles. Bloods vs. Crips. Cabernet vs. Merlot. These decisions can be made in time, through real life experience.
However, you’re going to want to choose a parent right now. As in today. If you’re lucky enough you have two parents (and not everyone is lucky enough….no, seriously). Do yourself a favor and latch on to your mother. She’s the one with lumps on her chest. No, the bigger lumps.
She’s the one who’s spent a lifetime educating herself in child rearing. She’s read the entire parenting section at the bookstore. She’s listened to her girlfriends, asked questions of the doctors and probably has taken a class or two. Meanwhile, your father’s only experience in parenthood is putting off the construction of the crib long enough to make it seem like a BIG deal when it was finally complete. She can write her master’s dissertation on “Keeping You Alive.” He, however, took the step of memorizing her cell phone number in case of emergency.
Yes, it’s true. Your dad will hold you for hours in the middle of the night. But your mom actually wants to hold you for hours in the middle of the night. Your dad will feed you. But your mom actually wants to feed you. Your dad will change your diaper. But your mom actually wants to change your diaper. She actually wants to clean your cracks, ointment you up, measure your stool and find its comparative percentile with other children your age. She wants to do this. Your dad’s not actually going to want to do anything with you (napping aside) until you’re old enough to hold a baseball bat or an American Idol microphone.
Until then, stick with Mom. Not for nothing, she’s also less likely to drop you.
Now let’s talk about money. Over the next few years you’re going to come across some charitable money just for being alive. Through religious ceremony, anniversaries, milestones, etc. The longer you live the less you’ll get. You’re going to want to ensure that you still have this money when you’re old enough to spend it.
Sure, you might think your parents are the smartest people in the world right now…but when it comes to investing they’re like the Clampetts of Beverly Hills. That new house and big screen television may seem like posh living compared to your previous residential quarters, but when it comes to true wealth chances are your parents are still working the chain gang. Get yourself a lawyer, financial advisor and possibly an agent. It’s never too early to declare financial emancipation.
Hey, lift your head and listen to me. Talking to you is like talking to a hung-over college student. Gosh, you have a lazy neck.
Finally, let’s talk about love. Right now, it’s all you have and it’s as real as it’s ever going to get. The love you experience right now, over the next two weeks is the purest, most genuine emotion that will ever penetrate your soul. The people around you are at their most innocent. Their kisses at their softest. Their stares at their most intense. Their touch at their most graceful. Take it all in, and take it with you for the rest of your life. This is your family. Let them in and they will be with you for the rest of your days.
Remember today, ‘cus you’re not getting any younger.
The post was originally published March, 2010.
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