A Ghostly Secret

I think we have a ghost in the house. It’s the craziest thing.

Once my bride decides that she’s done with the new Victoria's Secret catalogue she puts it in the pile for recycling. For some odd, paranormal reason the silly catalogue never quite makes it to the trashcan, but keeps popping up in different areas of the house.

It’s just ghostly!

Which begs the question…Who’s catalogue is it? And how are we going to get rid of that ghost?

Victoria's Secret is the most gender-neutral, temperature-rising brand on the market. Picture a husband and wife walking through the local mall holding hands in love. Then walks by a woman (non-descriptive for the purposes of this example) strolling along with that little pink-striped shopping bag.  Both husband and wife turn their head in envy dying with curiousity to know what’s in that little bag of hers.

The Vicotoria's Secret shopping bag is the one shopping bag that my bride carries into the house that makes me happy. Every time she returns home with bags from Carter’s and Baby’s R’Us I lose one-tenth of my present measure of testosterone.  When she comes home with that cute, petite Victoria's Secret bag I have nothing but high-fives and chest-bumps for my bride.

Every time UPS drops off a five o’clock package at the front door I immediately roll my eyes at the pending credit card bill. But when I open the door to see that beautiful VS logo my heart is all a flutter. Better a package from PINK than a package from Staples. There ain’t nothing sexy in that box from Staples!

Every time I spend too much on my wife’s birthday after a shopping spree at Victoriassecret.com I can promise you that my bride doesn’t complain. It’s not like I come home with a new Bose surround sound stereo coupled with my favorite CD wish list from 2011. Victoria's Secret is the one internet tracking cookie men don’t have to worry about deleting from the family computer!

Wanna know my secret? I too love PINK.

(That being said…Ladies, please stop buying your young girls clothes with messages printed on their butts.  I’m not into looking at 13-year-old backsides. However, I love to read! I find these tween styling very confusing.)

Let’s get back to the catalogue.

When I bring in the mail and there’s a Victoria's Secret catalogue mixed in the bunch I have to remind myself that it’s just another piece of junk mail. (It’s just like when I’m tv channel-surfing with my bride in the same room. I need to be aware of what gets my attention and slows down my search. My bride is smart enough to know that I didn’t stop at Baywatch to see which episode it is.  My bride is smart enough to know that I’m not really interested in watching a Zumba infomercial.)

When I bring in the mail and there’s a Victoria's Secret catalogue mixed in the bunch I casually set it aside for my bride to find later. I want to cheer. I want to call her downstairs and tell her that the new catalogue is here like Charlie finding the golden ticket for the Chocolate Factory.  I want to do laps around the house Paul Revere-style. The Victoria's Secret catalogue has come! The Victoria's Secret catalogue has come!

However, I have to play it cool. I have to leave it aside for my wife to find at her leisure.

Is it wrong to circle the outfits that I won’t my wife to buy? Too subtle?

Is it wrong to leave the catalogue next to the laptop with my credit card? Too subtle?

Is it wrong to leave the catalogue in my bride’s dresser drawers next to her oldest apparel I can find? Too subtle?

Better, I suppose than hiding it in my own underwear drawer.

I’m not going to lie. I feel greatly disappointed when I find the Victoria's Secret catalogue in the recycling bin. But I wasn’t done with that! I want to argue. But I don’t because I’m smarter than that. I tried that once, but my bride pointed out that the catalogue had her name on it.

Sometimes I use the Victoria's Secret catalogue as a memo pad to write down important information like phone numbers and work schedules. This way we couldn’t possibly throw away the catalogue, even if I desperately wanted to clean the house.

But there is a simple solution, Fellas. Get your very own catalogue with your own name on it…http://www.victoriassecret.com/catalogue-request/. They’re like giving them away over there! Then you won’t have to feel guilty about prying into your bride’s belongings. After all, the catalogue will have your name on it. That’s not creepy at all.

Now let’s go find that damn ghost.